Keep Away from the Nuts? Yeah, Right!
by Derry
Summary: Missing scene from Irresistible


**Keep Away from the Nuts? Yeah, Right.**  
by Derry 

_NOTES & SPOILERS: Missing scene from "Irresistible" hence spoilers for that episode._  
_DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters or anything else pertaining to Stargate Atlantis, but no monetary profit made here. Please don't litigate. _

One of the things you had to admire about Sheppard's leadership skills was that the colonel never made any unreasonable demands of any of his team. Or, more specifically, he never, ever made any unreasonable demands of one Rodney McKay. No, not once. Not ever.

Rodney found time to reflect on this, as he quickly ducked into an open doorway to avoid detection by a group of oncoming marines. Not that said group of marines were intent on detecting him. They were too preoccupied with the joy of mindless cultism to notice him - or anything else around them, really. Dear God, some of them were even singing!

Sheppard had, ever so helpfully, told him to keep away from the nuts, but the vast expanse on nutdom was creeping in from all sides and it wasn't as if Rodney could just go and find some little corner to hide in anyway. Leaving him behind, completely alone and defenseless, in a city full of crazy people (with only that really useful nut-avoidance advice to fall back on) that wasn't enough for Lt Col John Sheppard. No, he also felt entitled to request the DHD be disabled as soon as he left to prevent any other outgoing gate travel while he was gone.

Of course, Colonel. No problem. You want fries with that? Okay, granted that Sheppard was asking the most technologically capable person in the city (well, in the whole galaxy, actually) to do it. Someone for whom it would be mere child's play under normal circumstances. Simplicity itself under _normal_ circumstances. But where would the DHD control crystals be? Oh, right. The gateroom. Which was now smack bang in the middle of Nutsville Central. Right after Sheppard had left, the nuts had begun pouring in there. Some sort of herb-gathering festivity, or something. The timing really sucked.

The sound of footsteps faded and Rodney risked a peek back along the corridor. One posse of nuts avoided, God knew how many more to go. He sighed, but really there was no time to lose and so he cautiously stepped back into the corridor.

Keep away from the nuts? Yeah, right. That had to be one of the most truly inspired tactics Sheppard had ever come up with. No really, it was right up there with "let's check out this suspicious underground bunker on this quaint-seeming agricultural world" or "just go along with the drug-crazed lunatic's plan and get the dart working because then I'll fly us home instead of where he wants to go". Why did he still listen to the man? Seriously, you'd think he'd learn. You really would.

Just another day in the life of Rodney McKay, Miracle Worker. Once, when Rodney had been forced to point out yet again how many miracles he managed to work to comply with certain people's outrageous demands, Sheppard had joked about beatification. Hilarious Catholic schoolboy humour. But seriously, was a little recognition too much to ask? If this Lucius guy could just turn up with his ridiculous snake oil and have everyone fawning on him and trailing around like adoring acolytes, why couldn't Rodney for once, just _once_, get some genuine appreciation for the magnitude of all his achievements and skills? Why? Because there was no justice in the universe, that was why.

Once again forced to try and achieve the virtually impossible for the supremely unappreciative, Rodney had gone back to his lab and looked into ways to tap into the DHD controls from secondary systems outside the gateroom. He could have kicked himself for not properly devising a strategy like this before now. It wasn't as if Atlantis hadn't been threatened by hostile takeover before. After the Genii attacked during the storm, he should have researched all this properly and devised a workable protocol to reassert control over key systems from outside the gateroom.

Oh, come on! It wasn't like he wasn't a ridiculously busy man, in charge of keeping the whole city running, not to mention all his offworld missions and things like that. That sort of _tactical _thinking wasn't really his job anyway. Nope, it definitely did not fit anywhere in the job description for Head of Science Division. Come to think of it, organising tactical things was Sheppard's job. Yes, this whole fiasco was all Sheppard's fault. Definitely.

Okay, not helping. He needed to focus on getting this plan together.

He knew couldn't just waltz into the gateroom and yank the control crystals now. Cutting the power to the DHD was obviously out of the question. For one thing, the DHD could draw a power supply from the gate itself and he couldn't sabotage the actual gate because Sheppard needed it to be functional to get back to Atlantis. And even if he did disconnect the main DHD in the gateroom, each of the puddlejumpers had its own DHD anyway. What, was he supposed to disable the DHD in every single puddlejumper too? And did Sheppard even think of these things before he started making his unreasonable demands like disable the DHD? No, he just told you what he wanted and expected it done. But then again, if Sheppard hadn't considered that aspect, would any of the Stepford Atlanteans realise the thing about the puddlejumper DHDs anyway? Yeah, they probably would. There wasn't any evidence that this mind control thing hampered their ability to think about technical details. Radek would probably be onto it immediately, if no one else, and therefore Rodney couldn't take the risk of not covering that angle.

So, all he had to do was find a way to somehow block the gate receiving the dialing information from any DHD on this side. No pressure, of course. Luckily Rodney McKay was a genius and so, maybe, just maybe he could do that. It would mean getting close to the gateroom, but maybe he wouldn't have to go into the actual gateroom itself. If he continued along this corridor, it would take him directly under the gateroom and then...

Suddenly, a hand fell on his shoulder and he almost gave himself whiplash, twisting his head around - and up.

Ronon. Rodney had forgotten how quietly the big guy could move and, all of a sudden, there he was, aiming a face-splitting grin aimed down at Dr Rabbit-in-headlights McKay. And it wasn't Ronon's usual predatory "I'm going to squash you like the bug you are" grin either, but rather a radiant "everything's so wonderful I could almost cry and I want you to come with me to sing songs around the campfire" kind of grin which, actually, on Ronon's face, was much more scary.

Rodney responded with one of the usual totally inadequate things that seemed to come to him at moments like these.

"Oh... hi?"

He was answered by the joyful voice of someone some distance behind Ronon, hidden by the Satedan's bulk.

"Rodney! We have been worried about you."

He twisted his shoulders and craned his neck around, not even close to breaking Ronon's grip despite the fact the big lunk hardly seemed to be making any effort at all, and saw Lucius striding towards them. The visitor also wore an effusive smile, but unlike Ronon, that was just his usual facial expression. Didn't make it any less ominous though. He came to stand beside Ronon and then both of them directed their welcoming beatific smiles at Rodney - in stereo.

It chilled him to the bone. All that his totally frozen genius brain could brilliantly come up with was "What?"

Lucius then sidled around and laid a hand on Rodney's other shoulder, creeping him out more than anything yet - and really, that was saying something.

"No one could find you anywhere, Rodney. I was concerned."

He managed to wave a hand slightly, an utterly unconvincing attempt at nonchalance.

"Oh... no need, no need. No, I'm fine, really. Just needed sort a few things out myself. Not important things, mind you. Just small things. Routine maintenance. Nothing big. Just a one man job. A few one man jobs. And everyone was having so much fun. Didn't want to disturb them."

"Yes, we've all been having a wonderful time. You really must join us."

"Oh, no! No, I mean... I mean, not right now. I've got these things to do - small, unimportant things, but quite a few of them and I've got to do them. And anyway, it's really not my kind of thing..."

"Having fun?"

"No! I mean, yes! That's me. No time for fun. I'm just not a fun guy and I really should be going..."

"No." Lucius didn't raise his voice, but the tone became harder. Ronon twisted his grip so that Rodney ended up firmly, but not painfully pinned to wall of the corridor.

"No?" Rodney fervently tried to back away, even if it meant embedding himself in the wall.

"No. I think we need to have a long chat."

"Really? I'm not a talkative person. Anyone will tell you that."

"Everyone loves to talk to me."

"I can believe that."

And the scariest thing was that Rodney could. He really could believe it, even as he tried to twist away again and Ronon applied a bit more pressure. It was a little painful this time and he whimpered slightly. Lucius squeezed his shoulder reassuringly and he found that it _was_ reassuring, damn it!

"I don't want to hurt you, Rodney."

It sounded so plausible. Lucius was so affable. Of course, he wouldn't want to hurt Rodney or any of his friends and... oh, God!

He made one more desperate, futile attempt to break free, but both Ronon's grip and Lucius' gaze held fast. There was no help coming. His only ally was offworld and the colonel was likely to get a nasty surprise when he returned.

Keep away from the nuts? Thanks ever so much. What if they've got you by the...

He really was going to kill Sheppard when he got back.


End file.
